5 Steps to Re-write your Relationship Contract
How often do you sit down with your partner and discuss the dynamic of your relationship?
As individuals we grow, shift and change over time, which means our relationship does too, and abandoning it too long could cause the relationship to stagnate, deteriorate and eventually atrophy (like a muscle that’s not being used).
Just like you would sit down with your boss and discuss your role, duties, income and how stimulated and satisfied you’re feeling in your job, similarly we should do the same in our most intimate relationship.
If we’re not happy in our relationship, we’re not happy in our life.
It’s that simple.
Regular check-ins with your partner assess the health of the relationship, especially in relation to:
- Communication and relating
- Sexuality (orgasms, porn, desire, surrender)
- Spiritual growth
- Domestic/home stuff
- Quality time (read this book: The 5 Love Languages)
- Screen time (social media)
- Alone time
The contract check-in might confirm that things are humming along sensationally.
Or, conversely, it might expose that things are actually not dandy for one or both partners.
Discussing the contract of your relationship means being vulnerable and revealing your true feelings and desires, which a lot of couples are not willing to do because it could mean you break up, part ways or find out an ugly truth that you’re not willing to see/hear/feel.
But isn’t that better than living a lie?
Isn’t that better than being in constant denial?
Isn’t that better than being with someone who actually isn’t destined to be your life partner? And may set them free to be with someone more aligned…
So I have created a few tips, which will help to re-write your relationship contract, which is an inevitable and integral part of relating with your beloved. So if you want to grow together, read on…
1. Create the container
Rather than rolling over in bed and having “the chat” when you first wake up or just before bedtime, instead purposely create a time slot in your day to form the container for the conversation to occur. When we feel safe in a held container, we’re more likely to feel open to share our truth and be vulnerable.
Creating the time and space to assess or re-write your contract with your partner, may require a few hours or maybe a few days, so keep this in mind. Make sure you’re both in a stable mood and have the mental, physical and emotional “strength” to reach this depth of relating. Timing is also really important!
2. Speak from the heart
Most arguments and fights occur because we speak from fear, trigger and essentially, our egoic mind.
Our ego doesn’t belong in this nature of conversation, or any for that matter. So if you can remove yourself for a few hours and process your trigger before the encounter, that would be the wisest thing to do.
Keep coming back to your heart and ask yourself: Is this coming from a place of love?
Often the way we treat our partner, is just a reflection of the way we treat ourselves. So be self-loving in this process and treat yourself and your partner with utmost love and respect. You will feel the difference when you’re speaking from heart, versus your mind, and your partner will feel it too.
3. Un-attach from the outcome
It’s best to do this ritual without any expectation, as this is a recipe for disappointment, anger outbursts and getting hurt. Practice non-attachment by unhooking your energetic chord from you to your partner and your partner to you.
This will free up your energetic field as well as your head space, as you are releasing fear of what you could potentially lose.
When you come from a place of complete non-attachment, you want what is best for your partner’s wellbeing (and your own), rather than trying to manipulate it to suit your own selfish needs.
4. Use a talking stick
A talking stick is a great way to express everything you want to say without worrying you’re going to be interrupted or attacked. It’s a great tool to use for holding space for yourself and your partner to speak their truth. Imagine you’re holding a microphone – no one else can speak when you’re speaking. That’s the rules!
Grab something symbolic like a crystal, a feather (or even just a stick from the backyard!) and choose one person to go first speaking how they’re feeling in relation to the different elements of their relationship. Speak honestly and truthfully and try not to censor how you feel. How your partner responds is completely their responsibility and they have the choice to respond with grace or with anger. A good question to ask after your partner has finished talking is: What else?
Keep going until you get it all out!
5. Follow up
Just like your career, work, passion or job, it’s important to set achievable goals and schedule regular follow ups to keep yourself accountable. Otherwise nothing changes or gets done. Right?
Similarly, it’s key to put some actionable steps into place to guarantee the success of the relationship. If you simply have the conversation and leave it, expecting it to change on its own accord, then you’re in full self sabotage as this is a recipe for failure.
As you know relationships take real effort, thus it’s wise to put in adequate time frames, budgets, visions and a “contract” so to speak so that you can implement and witness the changes.
It feels like such an accomplishment when you’ve set a goal and achieved it with your partner! It brings about a feeling of teamwork and camaraderie.
My personal experience
My partner, Ares, and I have these contract chats on a regular basis, and this month we had some huge shifts in our dynamic and direction.
We knew we had to have the hard conversation, because our intimate connection was lacking.
We both believe that our libido is a barometer with how things are going with our relationship to self and relationship to the other – “As in the bedroom, so in life”.
There was so much “stuff” in between us that it was creating a barrier to love making, connecting and communicating effectively.
Simply by sitting down and having a deep, raw, vulnerable conversation to discuss what is working and what is not, we were able to shift what needed to shift.
Our sexual connection came back almost instantaneously!
Truth is such a turn on, and when we speak our truth we come back into divine alignment brining our sexual energy back into flow.
So, I would love to hear from you – have you tried this before?
Do you have any tips or advise that you would like to share?
Have you had a similar experience?
Love Rosie x