Sexuality: An Empowered YES and an Authentic NO
Recently I was sitting in a sister circle with about 25 women and we were sharing our experiences with sexuality.
A broad topic of conversation, yes, but deeply healing when discussed openly in a safe space with other conscious women.
As we all opened up, became vulnerable and shared our experiences I realised one thing: the women all had a similar story around sexuality and their relationship with sex.
And most stories were along the lines of one of these…
- Sexually abused at a young age (between 4 and 7) by a family member, usually an uncle or someone close they knew.
- Feeling obligated to have sex with her current partner to keep them faithful, happy, satisfied or entertained. These women are sexually unfilled in current relationship with their needs not being met i.e. they feel ‘fucked’ rather than experiencing deep, tantric love making. They are longing for a deeper connection and awakening faster than their partner.
- Grew up in a strict Christian up-bringing and harbouring feelings of guilt and shame around sex and sexuality. These women usually stayed in a toxic relationship FAR too long out of fear of judgement by God, family or other people. (I’m raising my hand here)
- Discovered her sexuality at a very young age (between 4 – 8 years old) and shamed by her parents for touching herself ‘inappropriately’. Oh because it’s such a dirty thing!
- Using her sexual energy to manipulate, dominate, leverage, control, use & abuse, or ‘pay men back’ for everything they have done to them in this lifetime, in past lives or ancestrally. These women have gone through a period of slutiness, stripping or sex-work to seek the love they desire or to fill the void that was, more often than not, left gaping open due to a unhealthy relationship with the masculine i.e. her father figure.
- Disconnected from her own sexual energy, essence and power, and suppressing her authentic truth.
- Has experienced an verbally, physically or emotionally abusive relationship or marriage. Read more about whether you are in one now here and how to escape an abusive relationship here.
Any of these stories sound familiar to you?
In light of White Ribbon Day, it is estimated that:
One in three Australian women are sexually abused by someone they know.
It appears the education system, religion and our parents have A LOT to answer for, right? This, however, is not the key to unlocking our sexual power – blaming other people, systems or institutions never is.
Taking responsibility, reclaiming ourselves and owning our sh*t, however, IS the key to unlocking our sexual power.
It’s empowering to know that we have a choice between a) being a victim, blaming and letting our childhood or story become an excuse to not living life to our fullest potential, or b) forgive the person, situation or system and take ownership of our sexual power.
Which would you prefer? Which feels better in your body?
It’s easy to be a victim and to wallow in our pain, but being a victor is far harder. Forgiving can be hard work. Releasing guilt and trauma is not easy – but it’s the path of a soulful, spirited woman. And there are HUGE rewards for choosing your soul path, vs your ego path!
Remembering that, when we point the finger at someone – there are three fingers facing back towards us. Meaning…anything we project or blame onto others is a reflection, a mirror, of our own inner landscape.
So, how do we reclaim our sexual power? We express an EMPOWERED YES and an AUTHENTIC NO.
An empowered YES comes from a place of self worth.
When we say YES to a sexual experience we believe we are worthy and deserving of the experience. In relation to sexuality, we prioritise our pleasure. We claim what is rightfully ours. We release guilt and shame and stop judging ourselves for what we like/enjoy/want/desire. It’s a matter of self-esteem and having the confidence to say YES. When we say YES from an empowered place – we have self worth.
An empowered YES also comes from a place of consent. The common thread that runs through these stories (above) is lack of consent. Women are being penetrated without their consent, and women are being judged and shamed for their sexuality. By saying YES from a place of power, women are giving their consent for penetration.
If you have had sex without your consent (i.e. rape, molestation or your partner overpowers you), it’s important to release this trauma from your body and you can do so by EXPRESS & RELEASE tactics such as yelling into your mouth, having a tantrum, punching a pillow or pelvic thrusting the pillow. Everything emotional is stored in the body in a physical manifestation. Yoga and breath work are also incredibly effective with releasing trauma from the body – in particular Yin Yoga. You can book in a 1:1 session here.
My partner, Ares, asks me every single time for permission to ‘enter my temple’ before having intercourse.
This makes me feel so powerful, respected and honoured.
Just because you’re in a marriage or relationship, doesn’t mean your partner has consent to fuck you any time they want. Even if you’re lying in bed next to them, about to put the condom on, staring deep into each other’s eyes…it’s still worthwhile asking the woman for consent to enter inside her.
By having the conversation with them about asking for consent, from a place of love and reverence, it empowers both parties involved…and gives her a chance to say no, which will make her respect you, even more.
An authentic NO comes from a place of self love.
When we say NO, authentically, we are essentially putting ourselves first. We are loving ourself first and foremost, rather than placing someone else’s needs before our needs.
Chantelle, facilitator of the Mystic Tantric Sister Circle in Perth, puts it like this:
My ‘no’ is more important that your ‘yes’.
She talks about how Self Love is simply a matter of owning your real self. Nothing more, nothing less. Just being REAL and RAW with who you uniquely are and owning that. We don’t need to DO or change anything, just BEING ourselves is enough.
When we say NO, we believe we are enough and we know we are loved. We believe that our happiness is worth more than satisfying their desire. And when we say NO authentically, it means it’s coming from our heart not our ego.
So if you’re saying no to your partner and withholding sex because you’re playing games, using sex for leverage in the relationship, trying to lead them on or manipulate them with the power of the pussy – then this is from ego, and thus is not authentic.
If it’s authentic, it comes from the heart. It’s knowing that you don’t need other people’s love or validation to fill you up – because you’re already full.
Or if you think you really want to be with someone who might not be the best person for you (i.e. they are unavailable). Ask yourself this question before engaging with them sexually:
“If you believed you were amazing, would you still do this?”
THREE YES’ EXERCISE
So the next time you find yourself in a sexual encounter, and you’re not 100% whether you’re a YES or a NO, take a moment and remember your healthy boundaries and that you have a choice.
Try this exercise:
Close your eyes.
Find yourself seated on your sit bones
Sit up tall, elongating your spine – creating a clear channel from base to crown.
Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your womb space.
Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. (10 breaths)
Visualise or feel into the person or circumstance you’re currently in.
Ask your infinitely WISE body…
1. Is it a YES in your Yoni (vagina)?
2. Is it a YES in your heart?
3. Is it a YES in your mind or higher consciousness?
If YES to all three – go for it!
Remember if it’s not a FUCK YES, it’s a NO.
If there are some authentic NO’s, tune into them and ask WHY?
Then breathe into that and ask your body for guidance.
A no = a no.
A maybe = no.
A yes = A FUCK yes.