I’ve been through my fair share of shocking break ups, and chances are, you have too!
As hard as break ups or divorces are, you eventually get up, dust yourself off and move on with your life, a tad broken but shinier nonetheless; getting over that person who you never thought you would get over.
Several of my clients over the past few months have been women and men needing some assistance processing a break up or divorce. And, I must say, this is what I do best!
Break ups are massive, life-changer events and sometimes you don’t even know they’re coming.
So whether you’re the breaker-up-erer or on the receiving end, here are five signs that one may be coming your way.
Hopefully this will give you a few alarm bells or red flags and prevent you being hit by a tonne of bricks when your partner does deliver the news OR help you get the balls to actually break it off and put all parties out of their misery.
5 S i g n s Y o u ‘ r e H e a d i n g f o r a B r e a k U p
1. You’re being distant.
Avoidance is a massive indicator that something is not quite right. If you’re staying later at work, going out more with friends, hitting up the gym twice a day as a distraction or just generally busying yourself with meaningless crap then chances are you’ve got one foot out the door. Ignoring, stonewalling and not wanting to invest in quality time with your partner is the first sign that you’re clearly unhappy. Sure, you might be aloof because something is on your mind, however if it’s aloofness weeks or months at a time, then there’s a red flag. Being distant can mean a million different things, but usually emotional detachment is one of them, because you want out.
* Hot Tip: This might seem obvious, but try talking about it with your partner. Communication is key, whether you’re wanting to escape the relationship OR if you’re just going through a rough patch. Maybe you’ve been hiding something or walking on egg shells or avoiding a topic, either way bring up the proverbial elephant in the room. Most likely you’re scared of what you’re partner is going to think or their reaction, but usually it’s no where near as bad as expected. Talk it out, or get out.
2. You’re fighting all the time.
If you’re fighting almost every day or the smallest things are irritating the shit out of you, then it’s time to have a serious think about why you’re staying in the relationship. Regular heated arguments are a sign that you’re on a different page, not seeing eye to eye, or perhaps you’re angry because you’re unhappy in the relationship so you’re taking it out on them or picking fights trying to make them hate you so they’ll dump you (cowardly yes, but admittedly I’ve done it too!).
Some bickering or disagreements is healthy in a relationship, passionate even, but if it’s regular and downright nasty then think about the long term effects. Yelling, aggression and confrontation over a long period of time affects, not just your wellbeing, but also your body. When I was in an emotional and verbally abusive relationship three years ago, I put on 10 kilos over a space of months. I was so stressed, tense and depressed that my body clung onto fat to protect itself. I was working out at the gym every day, yet my weight kept going up, up, up. I even had colonics to clear me out, but nothing worked. My body was in constant fight or flight mode and was layering on emotional weight out of fear. As soon as I left the abusive relationship, the weight dropped off me. Go figure!
*Hot Tip: If the fighting is bad, get help. Hire a coach and talk to someone who is completely un-related and un-biased. Having been in a verbally abusive relationship myself, I refused to tell anyone. It wasn’t til when things got really bad, that I opened up to my Aunty who lived interstate. I could trust her and she was an outsider who put no pressure on me to get out, which was the scariest thing in the world. Abuse is not just from men towards women either, I have coached men who are abused by their girlfriends – both physically and verbally. It goes both ways.
3. You hardly ever want sex anymore.
When you’re en route to a breakup, sex is a drag. A painful (emotionally and physically), highly inconvenient drag. You don’t want it AT ALL. And if you do, it’s not with your partner!
If you do engage in sex with your partner, it’s more like ripping off a band aid – close your eyes, look the other way, and pray for it to be over. You want to rip it off quick to avoid the pain! In your eyes, your partner has lost their attractiveness and the thought of sex with them repulses you. In fact not just sex, but kissing and touching erks you as well and the only reason you’re doing it is because you feel bad or you feel sorry for them. Instead of intimacy being the glue of the relationship, it has become a necessary evil that pulls you even more apart.
* Hot Tip: Drop down into your heart and ask yourself if it’s just a phase or something deeper? I have been in a long term relationship where the sex was very rare and when we did have it, it was a quick fix to shut him up. This resulted in a break up, because I knew I didn’t want to be with them any longer. The sex repulsion was an indicator that I had moved on and wanted to break up. When it gets to that stage, it’s time to either say sayonara or chat with your partner (or a coach) about ways to spice it up again. Perhaps introducing new positions, tantra, toys, a third party or scheduling sex is the way to go. Maybe one or both of you have ‘let yourself go’ and you need a kick up the butt to get back to the gym. Attraction is important in a relationship, and if one party has fallen off the wagon it’s important to be compassionate but also check in with them to see what’s going on, on a deeper level.
4. You’re being cagey, especially with your phone.
These days our smart phones are like another bodily limb. Without it you feel a little naked. Not only that but it’s pretty much our online journal, diary, alarm, entertainment, canvas, work and connection to the world so it’s natural to feel protective over your phone. However if you’re being over-protective of it because you’re hiding stuff then that’s a different story…
If you or your partner turns the phone on silent, hides it, sneaks off with it to the loo, or all of a sudden decided a passcode is very important, then that’s an alarm bell honey!
It’s important to have your own life and you most definitely don’t have to share everything with your partner, however the more secretive you are with your phone (text messages, calls, Tinder, Facebook) the more you have to hide, the more tension will build in the relationship. Best to just be out in the open and tell them some girl or guy is emailing and it’s not a threat, or it is a threat, in which case is it essential to stay connected with them on Social Media?
* Hot Tip: Social Media/Phone boundaries must be in place. And not by your partner, but by YOU. Again, drop into your heart and ask yourself….Does it feel right for you to be in Tinder while being in a relationship? Does it feel right for you to have all your exes on Facebook? Does it feel right for you to be flirting with random hotties on FB or Insta? Where is my intention coming from – my penis/vagina or my heart? The other day an ex boyfriend popped into my mind for the first time in years. I was like ‘Wow I have not thought about him in SO long’. And you know why!? Because I deleted him off my Facebook after the breakup! Having someone on Facebook is pretty much allowing them a window into your life. In my eyes it’s still an energetic connection. If you want to forget someone or not be constantly reminded of them – have the balls to unfriend them and cut the chord! Out of sight, out of mind.
5. You’re being dishonest.
Have your little white lies, turned into big white lies? Did you skim over the minor details of who you were hanging out with last night (i.e. ‘just some friends from work’ = a person from the opposite sex who I am totally attracted to and should not be spending time one-on-one with but I totally am because it excites the shit out of me and I want to rip their clothes off but we’re just ‘friends’!).
Psychological cheating is just as bad as physical cheating. In fact, it can be so much worse because the fantasy of the desire is ridiculously all-consuming and eats you up until the deed is done. The mind is a powerful machine, and going off the premise that thoughts become things, the more you are thinking about pushing that hottie up against the wall and ravishing them, chances are it will come true. Moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for!
* Hot Tip: Secrets and dishonesty are the biggest dividers in a relationship and it’s usually not the actual secret that hurts the most, it’s the lies and the covering up you did for so long to hide it.
Cheating is a glaringly obvious sign you’re heading for a breakup. If you’re thinking about it or actually having an affair then put your partner out of their misery and ideally end it before it gets too deep. You’re only human and temptations are always there, but do to your partner what you would want done to you. If monogamy is hard work for you, then look at being in an open relationship. Or perhaps you just need to be single for a while. There is no one saying you need to be in a closed relationship. The world is your oyster, so look at your options.
Break ups don’t have to be long-winded, torturous, dragged-out natural disasters.
If these five signs are glaringly obvious and the writing’s on the wall, then there’s no need to beat around the bush. I appreciate there may be houses, pets, possessions, mutual friends and closeness to the in-law family on the line, however your happiness is key. All of that is just stuff and can be lost and gained again…
If you need a 1:1 coach, hire a coach.
If you need some alone time, take a trip away on the weekend.
If you need a lawyer, hire a lawyer.
If you need a couples mediator / counselor, hire one.
If you need a support network, get them on board.
Your happiness is not worth being compromised.
When I was going through my life-changer break up 2.5 years ago, I remember thinking ‘Damn, I wish I had a Relationship Coach or a mediator to help me with this’. I desperately needed a third party to get me through but also to be able to rationalise with my partner, as he couldn’t understand what I was trying to communicate and I also couldn’t get across what I wanted to say out of fear.
Luckily I had supportive friends, family and work colleagues help me, but if you don’t, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional.
Break ups are a HUGE change in your life and it can be equally as bad for the person breaking up as the person being broken up with.
Are any of these signs prevalent in your relationship right now?
Are you and your partner on the same page?
Do you help processing your break up?
Remember….your relationship affects EVERY aspect of your life. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you’re unhappy with your life.
Contact me today for your FREE non obligatory 15 min Relationship Chat.
P.S: Perth ladies, sign up for my first Womenergy Workshop in Perth on 11 October, 12-3pm – click here for more details!