Men, women; we all do it.
You know these old chestnuts:
‘He sees me as much as he can. I know he really cares, deep down’.
‘Oh, maybe she’s just busy and hasn’t checked her phone yet’.
‘Well, we’re not official yet, so I can’t get pissed off about that text from that other guy’.
‘She’s still getting over her ex and isn’t ready to be in a relationship’. ‘
‘He’ll call. He’s just…busy’.
‘He’s probably still at work or out with his mates. I don’t want to come across as needy’.
Let’s get one thing straight: He or she has not dropped their phone in the toilet, nor have they dropped off the face of the planet.These are just all BS excuses. OK, sometimes they may be legit, but for the most part they are just lame excuses.
I will use me and my life as a guinea pig (as per usual…but we can all learn from me!).
I once pulled myself up for making excuses for a guy. In fact I have done it plenty of times! Nevertheless, here was the pretty picture:
Cracker first date.
Ticked all the boxes.
Lots in common.
Attracted – TICK!
After a few more dates and a casual intimate moment or two (which is my way of showing that I like you and I see a future), I stopped hearing from him as much. The texts were super spaced out, sometimes no reply at all. The content quite dry. I felt less love behind the words. In our encounters there was less questions, inquisition or chat about ME. It was all him, him, him.
Initially I made excuses. Y’know… ‘Oh he’s probably just busy…blah blah blah’.
Then it started to hurt. ‘Ouch. I feel rejected.’
Abandonment sunk in.
Then the good ol’ self blame game started playing out. ‘Have I done something wrong? Am I not good enough for him? Did I say something?’ I became sad.
Then I put my angry, feminist pants on and got pissed off at the whole thing and how used I felt.
Then I was like – ‘Maybe I am just making a big deal out of nothing!?’
Tony Robbins calls this the Crazy 8 Cycle, wherein in situations or circumstances that hurt us, we go from being really angry and pissed off and then flip to being sad, depressed and full of self pity.
It’s a vicious cycle and an immature and childish way of reacting to a situation.
That was me.
And, if you’ve been in my situation, that was likely you too.
But the key is to cut the Crazy 8 BS and have a shot glass of reality with me (with some salt and lemon) and look at…
~ You’re making excuses because you’re scared of confrontation, and no one really likes to argue with someone they fancy as it might scare them off.
~ You’re also making excuses because you LIKE them. Just own up and admit it to yourself. Hell, maybe even admit it to them and see where they’re at…and then they might cut the BS and start being more attentive, OR, let you go and move on. Either way it’s a better outcome than being left hanging all the time.
~ Yes, you probably really like them a lot but let’s be honest, you’re making excuses because your ego is hurt and you feel rejected. No one likes to look like a fool, so this is your defense mechanism to spare the humiliation. We all end up with cake on ourselves sometimes. Just lick it off my friend!
~ If he or she really liked you, they would text you (often!) because they can’t get you out of their head and they want to know what you’re doing…all the freaken time. And besides, they don’t necessarily want to play silly cat & mouse games. In fact, they might even pick up the phone and call….*shock horror*.
~ Your love interest will want to take you out and wine and dine you; essentially to impress you and make them like you too and think that they’re a good catch too. Cave men would catch the biggest saber tooth tiger for dinner or bash their chest the loudest to attract the fittest mate. It’s human nature.
~ They will be persistent because YOU ARE AMAZING and YOUR’RE A CATCH! We don’t want no giver-up-er-er!
~ They ARE over their ex. That’s just an excuse they will use because you’re not the one. Or maybe they just want to play the field for a while. Do you really want to be with someone in that phase that anyway? Let that fish back in the sea sister!
~ Men need their freedom. Granted. But when a man is arse-over-tits for a woman he will f*ck his friends or work drinks off to spend it with you (pardon my French), at least in the early days of the courting/dating process. If he is putting you second from the get-go that’s a red flag my friend. Walk away.
~ Men and women like to keep back up plans…just in case. A Plan B or contingency plan is totally normal. If you see a few suspect texts with XO’s or flirty FB emails, chances are he/she is just keeping them on the sidelines in case things go pear shaped with you. Most will do this until they are 100% you’re IT, you’re the one. My suggestion? Best to not focus on the women or men who are hanging around in the background like a bad smell. YOU have him/her, not them, so remember that! Keep being that amazing person you are and he or she won’t even think twice about those pesky bar-flies.
~ If you’ve been played, just own it. You’ve been played! Say it to yourself. You’ve been played by a PLAYER. Players gonna play play play play! Just shake it off (thanks for the inspo Tailor Swift). Walk the walk of shame with your head held high. Take the goodtime and fun out of the situation and get over it. It happens! It’s best not to harbour resentment, especially towards yourself. So forgive them AND forgive yourself and keep walking. Besides, you probably already knew in your gut that it was going to end up that way. You manifested it.
~ If he or she cares, they will SHOW it. Actions speak louder than words. Stop making excuses for them!
~ On a general note, the past doesn’t always dictate the future. I believe people CAN and WILL change, it’s about trust and forgiveness. So give them a chance or two (three, you’re out). I have cheated before – doesn’t mean I will do it again. I have had an affair before – doesn’t mean I will do it again. It just means I have learnt my lesson, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to do them again. Like in my previous blog post on boundaries – sometimes you have to touch the hot pan, to learn that it burns.
So if you are finding yourself making excuses, quit it and be realistic. Use that gorgeous self-worth and self-esteem and self-confidence and don’t be afraid of a little honest chat with the person (not necessarily confrontation), so you can cut the excuses.
In case you didn’t already know…you are amazing and deserve the best treatment from a significant other.
Stumped? Get in touch with me for your FREE 15 minute, no obligation relationship strategy chat. Need to boost your confidence and come into your power center? Coaching with me might be right down your alley!
Have a beautiful day!