Yes this might sound slightly kinky (get your mind out of the gutter!), but I don’t mean it in that way, well not really! While at Tony Robbins’ seminar Date with Destiny, he told us a story about golf. Now I am not a golfer and don’t know much about golf, however I do know that every hole is different – some longer, some shorter, some harder, some easier, some with more hills, more sand pits, bigger greens, lots of trees etc. The moral of his story was to enjoy every hole, not just the good ones, because inevitably there will be good and bad holes. And besides, the bad ones always teach you a lesson that you need to learn and make you stronger. They’re character building!
Similarly, we can relate this back to relationships.
I was having lunch with a girlfriend from work and we were discussing men and relationships (as per usual). She asked me about my previous relationship; the one which pushed me over the edge; the catalyst of all mother fucking catalysts. The toxic, abusive relationship which made me change almost every aspect of my life (career, living environment, spirituality, body etc.). The boyfriend who had been so controlling and manipulative that he forcefully insisted on spending every day and night together (we also worked together in very close proximity), usually ending up in rows, fights, tears, aggression, jealousy and bickering. He made me feel bad about every past partner I had and took me on guilt-trips almost daily. He got angry when I checked my Facebook, he would monitor every text message and he even wouldn’t let me sleep on the couch while watching the TV, because we essentially weren’t spending quality time together. He was the epitome of insecurity. Even writing about this, makes my stomach churn.
I know he loved me dearly, but it was overbearing, overwhelming, obsessive, and frankly, dangerous. When I broke up with him I had the police involved and he told me afterwards he was going to commit suicide. I cried for days before and after the break up, because I was so fucked in the head feeling that I had hurt him and he was going to kill himself. Not only that but I was scared, scared of him, scared of what he was capable of, scared of losing my job, scared of the unknown. I was so confused and lost. All I knew was I wanted, needed, to be on my own and as far away from him as possible. So, this leads me to the meaning of this article.
Even though this was an extremely painful experience for me, and caused me a lot of stress, heartache, anxiety and depression. Look at me now!! If it weren’t for him I would not be who I am and where I am today. This blog would not exist. I would not have gone on to study Relationship Coaching. I would not have gone to India and become a Yoga instructor. I would not be helping people going through similar situations. I would not be following my life purpose.
Here’s the thing. We need to go through some bad relationships to know more about our self and to know who we are and what makes us happy (or in my case, unhappy). Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what we want, but it can be easier to figure out what we don’t want. Even though I didn’t necessarily enjoy that ‘hole’ (pun intended…big black hole) in my life, I can look back and thank it. I can thank him for making me the kick-ass woman I am today. THANK YOU!!!
This is why I don’t understand why people stay in unhappy, unfulfilling, uninspiring, un-passionate, un-loving relationships. Given I stayed in mine for months too long; I was fearful of leaving and having trouble planning my escape with work involved, however I still knew it was not nourishing for my mind, body or soul! I had the balls to get out and change my life conditions, my blueprint and where my life was heading. Because who we are with, our significant other, counts for everything! Relationships make or break your life. They add value or sap you of your life force. They create purpose and meaning and vitality, or suck the life out of you. Who you choose to be with is crucial to your happiness, to where your life goes, who you hang around, what you do day-to-day. We only get one shot at life, so it’s important to spend it with people who you love and who bring you up, not pull you down.
So if you are in a stale, unhappy relationship, I urge you to realise they do serve a purpose; they are a lesson, a reason and a meaning in your life, not a mistake. You don’t have to stay in the relationship for comfort, stability, certainty, ease and reassurance. Well you can, but this will never challenge you or bring out your bright, beautiful colours and flavours that I know you have in you. Just remember we all have to go through some duds to get to the good ones, and we only know what is right for us when we experience things we know we don’t want.
Oh and remember to enjoy every hole 😉