Is it just me or is their a loose societal perception that we’re all meant to be in a relationship or at least that if you’re single, you must be looking for somebody; someone to fill that void, someone to make you whole again?
Who said so? And why can’t we be amazingly whole as one single, solo being? And if we meet a partner, why can’t they simply accentuate and add value to the whole; make the circle bigger – a bonus!
Unless you’re an avid fence-sitter, generally you’re either a lover or a hater of being single.
On one hand, you have those people who are just plain ‘bad singles’ – think Bridget Jones drinking red wine, smoking on the couch in yesterdays pyjamas singing ‘All By Myself’ and whingeing to anyone who will listen. And then you have those friends who are brilliant at being single – they’re social, fun, independent, fun to be around, put themselves out there but who are also fine with being alone and tend to spare you the ‘all the good ones are gone!’ chat.
Neither is right or wrong; however one is much more positively geared to living a happy and fulfilling existence, the other more conducive to depression and loneliness. Boo who wants that!? But we are human and we have the freedom of choice, and a lot of people allow their minds and societal expectations to govern their decisions, like staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone, getting hitched because your family expects it, settling with someone because your body clock is ticking and GOD forbid you’re still single in your thirties etc.
Going on two years being single, I often get confused looks from people commenting ‘but surely you wouldn’t struggle finding a boyfriend!?’ or ‘why aren’t you in a relationship?’ To be honest, they might as well say ‘what’s wrong with you!?’
Well, no I don’t struggle finding someone and there certainly isn’t anything wrong with me. If I really wanted to, I’m sure I could find a decent suitor (or just get on Tinder…haha not); but the truth is there’s no one that’s floored me, no one who I have thought ‘Whoa, I want YOU and ONLY YOU!!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have had some amazing, strong, exciting, spiritual, genuine, karmic connections along my journey….but none recently that shoot that feeling throughout my whole body where I just have to have them…and that’s totally OK!
I believe that when the time is right, it will synchronistically and organically happen in divine timing.
Until then, I am a happy, single whole-lotta-woman! Which is nothing to be ashamed of.
So, considering I am a free spirit and there are a lot of men & women in the same boat as me, I thought I would share how I embrace my singledom, in case you have those Bridget Jones moments too often than you’d like.
1. I am intimate with myself (and not in a kinky way)
Maybe I’ve become extremely selfish, but I thrive on me-time. I fill up my tank with my alone one-on-one time; I regenerate and re-energise my cells, my mind, my body, my soul with solid solo time. Instead of filling up my diary arranging coffee or dinners with friends or dates, I schedule alone time for me regularly. That can entail me sitting in front of the TV eating curry, or going for a run, taking a bath, or a having a sweaty yoga session. I freaken love it. Some weekends I will wake up in the morning and not have a single plan. You should try it – try scheduling in YOU time by doing what you love, instead of distracting yourself with useless shit. And if that freaks you out, well you should deal with that feeling of not having any company. Embrace it. Feel into the feelings it evokes. Accept it. Learn to love your alone time. Be your own best friend; your own great company.
2. I boycotted dating (well, for a while)
Up until recently, I noticed that I have unintentionally boycotted the dating game, which I think it’s important to try whilst being single. If you’re single and constantly looking for someone, it’s as if you’re never fully happy just being by yourself. So I urge you to try just being single, i.e. not having someone on the go, no cheeky love affair, nill sexting, nope not even Tinder, whether it be harmless or not. It might be a real challenge for you to have nothing in the pipeline, but I guarantee you it’s for the best in the long run. No, not forever, but just for a little while, while you settle into just being comfortable with YOU.
After the break up of my last relationship I relished in my singledom for months, loving every second of my own time not worrying that I have to spend time with someone out of duty rather than desire. After the initial high wore off, I went on a few dates here and there, had some lovers for a while, and a few more serious encounters, but most fizzled out mainly because I wasn’t emotionally available, nor was I ready. It was just a bit of fun. A distraction even.
SO much emphasis is placed on romanticism and for us to complete our whole with a partner. But what’s wrong with romancing, dating, wooing (hell, MARRYING even!) ourselves? Besides, we’re the one we have to live with day in, day out for the rest of our lives. Try being un-involved for once. Untangled. Get intimate with yourself, learn to love YOU for YOU and ditch the dates for a little while – perhaps even take yourself on a date!
3. I feed my spirit…daily
During my time being single I have done SO much spiritual ground work on myself, it’s ridiculous! And not by force, rather by natural progression. Its development that I believe is only something you can do on your own (unless of course you have an amazing partner who you can journey through it with, in which case…GO YOU!).
Confused about what I mean? For example we can work on our career by applying for new jobs, up-skilling or aiming for a promotion, we can work our physicality by going to the gym, exercising and eating well, similarly we can work on our spiritual development by exploring our Vijanamaya Kosha and our Anandamaya Kosha – or in Western terms, our insight, wisdom, intuition, conscious awareness and our inner state of bliss; our soul space.
I have always had this natural inner curiosity to see how deep I can go. To see how I can feel utter elation from going within, rather than going without. There is an entire inner cosmos to explore, stripping away our emotions, our mind and our body; a Universe within us that drops that step deeper than the physical, emotional or conscious level. For me I feel into what feels good for my soul; what feeds my spirit, what nourishes it…and it differs for me on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s Kundalini Yoga, pranayama breathing, meditation, running, music, dance, reading, eating, drinking, Bikram, kirtan chanting…. there are numerous ways you can reach that epic state of bliss; that radiant presence where no one or no thing is making you happy – it’s just you and God, or the Universe, your divine – that glorious energy surrounding you.
Remember you are a beautiful complete circle; a whole sphere. No one needs to fill you, fix you or make you complete. They can simply add value and make you an even bigger circle. Don’t give a shit what anyone else says or think, go with what feels right for you, and if you’re afraid of being single – remember it can be the most empowering time of your life, if you let it.