I recently had a client come to me for some relationship coaching, and we spoke about something that I felt the urge to share; something that we could all learn from.
Kelly* had been with her partner for a few years and things weren’t in great shape. Every day was different; some days were full of love and happiness, other days they would fight like cats and dogs. The main problem in the relationship was around sex (where most arguments start). The issue was the fact that he wanted it ALL the time, and she was only willing to have sex about six times a week, which is still pretty damn regular in my opinion! She felt as though he was demanding it as if it was his birth right to have sex as much as physically possible, yet he wasn’t putting her needs first or caring whether or not she wanted to have sex. It got to the point where Kelly was just having sex for the sake of having sex – basically to shut him up and please him. Kelly stopped orgasming and stopped feeling like sex because of the pressure to have sex. The spontaneity was taken out of their love making and she started to feel like a sex object. Despite communicating crystal-clear all of this information to him, he still carried on clicking his fingers and demanding sex.
One thing men tend to forget is that sex for women is predominantly a mental thing…the lead up, the foreplay, the act, the coming, everything.
This is a common issue in a lot of relationships. You know the story…the man wants sex all the time, the woman doesn’t feel like it, then arguments start, tension builds, pressure is put on the woman because she doesn’t want the man to seek out other means of having sex such as infidelity or cheating, so she has sex to keep the peace.
Everyone has differing sex drives. Fact! Usually men have a higher sex drive than women because of their testosterone levels, however there are certainly women out there who have higher ones as well. Naturally, this can cause a rift in a relationship because of the unbalance in needs not being met by either party. And a healthy relationship is all about meeting each others needs – not just having to, but wanting to.
However it’s not just about the sex; there is usually an underlying reason why there is tension in the relationship and it’s generally sex that cops the brunt and become the elephant in the room. So I told Kelly to dig a little deeper. After some chipping away at the raw emotions present in her core, Kelly discovered that even though she loved him to bits she just wanted to be free. She felt she was at the time in her life where she needed to put herself number one and focus on her career and building her business, but also developing her spiritual side, which he always scoffed at. She felt her partner was often putting her down and trying to change who she was, and it was pushing her further and further away (and hence not making her feel like sex). She had realised that they had grown apart over the years and they did not share much in common anymore. She felt a break was in order.
Then she said to me…’But I love him’.
It made me think back to my previous toxic relationship where I had been extremely unhappy and had been putting up with constant verbal and emotional abuse for far too long….because I loved him.
So I said to her, ‘Even though you love him, doesn’t make it right’.
She looked at me and her jaw softened…the penny had dropped in her mind (you know when someone says something profound and it all clicks into place!) And it’s true. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. Even when I broke up with my ex, I still loved him in my heart….but I had enough self respect, self awareness and love for myself that I knew what I had to leave him.
At the end of the day it comes down to how much you love and respect yourself. It’s why so many women stay in abusive relationships…because they love their partner more than they love them self.
So get real with yourself. Be honest and blunt with yourself. If your sex life is suffering or intimacy is lacking, ask yourself and your partner what the core problem is? Dig deeper.
If you’re in a similar situation, ask yourself why am I still here? Why am I in this relationship? Am I in this relationship for me or for him/her? Is this relationship making me a better person? Is it making my life a happier place? Does this person bring me up or pull me down?
Only YOU know the answer.
Listen to your intuition.
Let it guide you.
Ask your divine self.
The answers are within you.
Peace and love.