Can I just start by saying that the ‘sex box’ is a MASSIVE box!
Don’t kid yourself…it’s that mammoth elephant standing in the room.
It’s that lump hiding under the rug that you keep dodging.
It’s the dialogue ‘Oh everything is just PERFECT. My partner is ahhhmmazzzing, smart, funny, supports me, and we connect on a deeper level….but…the sex…ummm…rubbish. It doesn’t satisfy me in the slightest’.
Like Kim Anami says – ‘Intimacy is the glue in a relationship’.
And if you’re not being intimate (sexually and non-sexually – remember non-sexual intimacy is just as important…especially for women), or the intimacy is not gooey, sticky, yummy, mutual or connective, then you might as well be friends. Right?
But before going down the ‘can we just be friends route’, I have compiled a list of 5 things you should try first:
1. Talk about it.
So many couples don’t even talk about that metaphorical elephant. They’ve given up and awkwardly dance around the topic rather than bringing it up, perhaps because they were shut down too many times before, rejected when they initiated it or their partner didn’t listen or take on what they had said.
So here are few sub-tips for bringing up the talk:
– When I say talk, I mean talk. Put your rational cap on. Try not to yell, scream, whine, argue or blame, as that will just arc your partner up and put them on the defensive from the get-go. Calm yourself before the convo by going for a run, boxing a punching bag or attend some Bikram Yoga and sweat it out first – that always helps energetically release the steam first, preventing the attack of the acid tongue you will later regret (trust me).
~ Give it to them like a shit sandwich: good, bad, good. I.e. “You’re great at XYZ, but I feel like our intimacy is lacking in XXX department, and I really want our relationship to go to the next level because I love you”. Simple.
~ DO NOT have the discussion in the bedroom OR late at night. My motto is that the bedroom is for SEX or SLEEP, and discussions in the bed late at night never end well. So choose somewhere else in the house, or outside is even better, perhaps a park; somewhere you can talk opening and candidly without worrying if anyone is eavesdropping. Public places in nature are a good choice because you will feel more grounded and you can’t lose your shit like you would in the bedroom at 3am.
~ Talk from the heart. Be open, vulnerable and compassionate. But also clear. Subtlety doesn’t always land with people, so you might need to spell.it.out. (i.e. ‘I need you do kiss me THIS way, otherwise I don’t get turned on’). Also moaning a bit louder at that crucial climax might not be enough – explicitly say ‘yes I like that, keep doing that‘. FYI your partner is not a mind reader.
2. Have more sex
My belief is, the more you have, the more you want it. Especially when it’s good sex; you can never have too much. When it’s bad, however, you can take or leave it. But even if it’s average, I urge you to be a trooper and troop along having sex regularly. Practice makes, well, practice. I don’t believe there is ‘perfect sex’ but close to it. So keep practicing and communicating what you like. The more sex you don’t have, the less you will have going forward and the bigger that elephant gets. So schedule it in. Pencil it in your diary in big red letters: SEX DAY. Cross check it with your partner. Make it happen. Sext some foreplay messages to prep your partner for the big harrah. Besides, it’s been proven that having more sex makes you glow and look younger and brings about more creativeness and abundance in your life. Win, win. So c’mon, do me proud!
3. Spice it up
If your sex life is looking tired and grey (no, not in the 50-shades-kinda-grey) then have you tried anything kinky before? Like keeping your high heels on during intercourse? Doing it outside in the backyard, on the balcony, or in the park? Using a blindfold? A sex toy? Even a different sexual position other than vanilla missionary? Maybe adding in a third party? Sexting? Don’t rely on your partner to bring up suggestions – YOU be the instigator and they will naturally follow suit, as long as you create a safe, loving, stimulating space. It’s neither the man’s or the woman’s responsibility to instigate sex. It’s a mutual duty.
4. Look outside the box
Like I said, the sexual chemistry is either there or it isn’t, and when you have everything else in common with your partner except sex it can be super frustrating! So if you have tried talking about it, having more sex, spicing it up, then perhaps you need to look outside the box. Sexual dysfunction can be a result of many issues such as depression, anxiety, low testosterone levels (in men and women), hormone chemical imbalance, weight gain/loss, bad diet, fatigue, smoking, over-drinking, lack of exercise or mental health psychological problems. All of these issues harm each others’ self esteem in the bedroom and can be the bulls eye to the problems at hand. I am not suggesting popping pills, however a simple blood test might indicate a range of things affecting your sex life. Looking at your weight or diet or exercise regime might be a good start. The healthier you are, the more endorphins running through your body, the happier you are, the happier your partner is, the MORE SEX YOU HAVE!
5. Get educated
Most of us either had a shite sex education at school, or went off what pornography had to tell us (ahhh, should I have fake breasts and moan really loud when it’s actually really painful…because that’s what men like?). Neither forms of education really go into an enormous amount of detail around sexual chemistry, sex for pleasure, relationship dynamics, communication, genital massage, self pleasure, feeling safe, STDs, sex as a sacred act, mutual respect, tantric breathing techniques etc. It was all ‘Use a condom or abstain, or you will get pregnant…and that is bad’.
So maybe you don’t know everything there is to know about sex. My suggestion? Get educated, together!
~ Read a book or some articles together (or leave them lying around the house for them to see). Contact me if you want some reading materials…
~ Go see a Relationship Coach / Therapist / Counselor either together or 1:1. (Check out my amazing 6 session package to sign up to transforming your relationship with yourself and your partner! Spots limited).
~ Watch DVDs or some youtube clips on topics that interest you (female ejaculation, yoni massage, lingam massage, tantra).
~ Follow bloggers like myself. There is loads of free content that we produce in our articles that can be the little piece of information you need to transform your relationship or make a significant change.
Relationships aren’t all about sex, no. However the intimacy piece is a massive slice of the cake and eventually starts to strain other areas of the relationship (insecurity, infidelity, communication problems), if not dealt with or nipped in the bud.
Lucky for you, sex and intimacy can be improved upon. You’re certainly not doomed if it’s below average, or no where near as good as your ex. If you have a strong love for each other, everyone can work on it. No one is perfect or knows everything there is to know about sex. Even me and I study the art! There are always areas in a relationship that need work. Sex is just a sticky topic to broach. No pun intended.
But remember, if you have tried everything (including my tips above) and the sex still isn’t as soulful as you would like, there is no point in flogging a dead horse – so to speak. The one that is just right for you will fit you like a glove and the sex will be firework and gooey and tasty and moreish. You can’t force chemistry.