Whether we are single or in a relationship, it’s important to clean off and wipe away any sexual sediment we gather or absorb over time from encounters that we feel didn’t serve us.
The word sexual can be interchanged for anything really – emotional, physical, religious, spiritual, addiction, pain, – anything that we feel doesn’t or didn’t serve us – anything that gathers like dust, grime, mould, or how I resonate with it – sediment. Perhaps an eating disorder, maybe a mental OCD thing, an addiction, a way of thinking, an old religion, a pattern or habit we repeat over and over again. Something that doesn’t sit with us. It doesn’t ‘land’ or serve our highest good.
When it comes to sexuality, I don’t think many of us fathom just how much negative sexual experiences can stay with us over time, warp our sexuality standpoint and essentially screw up our relationship with sex, hence affecting our partnerships. It can stem from a one-time event (a messy one night stand, embarrassing situation or an occasion of abuse) or it can eventuate from an experience that is repeating over and over again.
For example if you had a boyfriend who cheated on you a lot and you kept taking him back regardless, maybe you think that all boyfriends will be unfaithful and seek sexual pleasure outside of the relationship. Insecurity sediment.
Or if you premature ejaculated a few times or couldn’t get hard, you might continue to think it’s going to be like that all the time and women will always be disappointed. Shame sediment.
Perhaps you only orgasmed once or twice in your life, or never, and so you think that you are inorgasmic and no one can help you. (p.s. everyone has the ability to orgasm). Un-worthiness sediment.
Or maybe if you were raped, sexually abused or forced to have sex with your partner and then you decided to close off to sex completely going forward. Fear sediment.
Either way, we have all had good and bad experiences when it comes to sex, but the key is to not let those negative experiences govern or determine our future relationship with sex, and instead of pushing them under the rug, deal with them upfront, bring them to the surface so you can dust off the sexual sediment and start fresh.
For me personally, I was brought up in an extremely Christian upbringing, not by my family’s wishes, but because of my schooling system. I moved from a Catholic primary school to a Presbyterian all girls’ school (strongly detested same-sex!!) and then a Lutheran co-ed school (ahhh, yes, finally…BOYS) where I went to ‘chapel’ at least 8 times a week. I had a firm belief ingrained in me that sex was something to be saved for marriage and that I would die in hell if I did it beforehand, which I did – whoopies. After losing my virginity I cried and felt so guilty! My boyfriend and I ended up staying together for three years or so, however I knew he wasn’t the one I was to marry. Plus I was getting slightly more sexually curious by the age of 20 something.
The guilt of losing my virginity before marriage followed me around like a shadow for a number of years. Well, I let it. The belief, or faith, was solidly chiseled in my being and I had failed in the eyes of God – big time. I then monkey gripped from one boyfriend to another thinking that sex was acceptable if I was in a relationship, and that every man I slept with would want to be my boyfriend and settle down– right!? Wrong.
A few bad choices and broken hearts later I realised I was harbouring not only the guilt, but the pain. The guilt for not waiting until marriage and the pain of all my failed relationships and letting myself give my precious sex away to men who were not going to be my boyfriend, partner or essentially my husband.
It was a heavy load to carry; a burden. Until I realised that it was useless and tiring carrying around all this old, dirty, heavy, stinky, sludgy, slimey sexual sediment. And it was that very sediment that was restricting me from fully moving on and moving into my full potential and capacity. It was weighing me down. I realised I had the power to wipe away those bad experiences that had harmed me and create a fresh slate. Just like a rolling stone picks up stuff on the way, and how a snowball snowballs, we have to de-layer and remove all the shit to come back to the core of who we are.
Just like letting go of grudges or bad habits, the same goes for our sexuality. It’s important to learn from those experiences, take what is needed, not judge yourself, try not to make the same mistake twice (or thrice) and then release & let go.
How did I do this?
The question should be more like how do I do this?
It’s a constant form of letting go; a process. During meditation if someone pops into my mind and it erks me or hurts or feels uncomfortable, I will meditate on that person, the experience with them, any grudges or regret I am holding, and then breathe them out. Exhale them out, wishing them love and peace on their journey.
I use a lot of visualisation and breath work in my meditation, so I will literally give them a hug, say our sorry’s and then watch them walk away – leaving me with a sense of peace and closure. I will feel physically lighter. Or sometimes I will visualise on my runs, letting them go as I move forward, or perhaps at the spa when I am sweating – literally sweating out the event/person/thing. It’s a total physical experience.
When to do this?
Anytime! If you’re in a relationship and you feel ready to bring it up and deal with it, perhaps on a mutual level – go for it. It’s something great to do with your partner so you’re both aware of your sexual history and can help each other move through the releasing and letting go process. And it will bring you closer.
Before embarking into a new relationship, it’s a good idea to try this meditation solo so as you are not carrying around all that heavy grime. When getting into a relationship, we don’t realise how many layers we have accumulated and bring into the mix, so it’s good to have a fresh, open slate when it comes to sex. Leave the baggage at the door!
Do you have any sexual sediment that needs to be washed off?
If so, what is it and what ritual do you feel you could do to wash it away?
Is there a bad experience you can think of that you have not dealt with?
Is there someone or something that is still weighing on your mind that you need to forgive or let go?
What are YOUR beliefs around sexuality…at your core?
Are you carrying around someone else’s sexual ideals?
Are you ready to wash off your sexual sediment?