should my boyfriend be watching porn?

O oh. Busted.

You’ve caught your partner watching porn…

Either red handed, red faced & in the flesh or from snooping through their internet search history. OR, you’ve actually asked them outright and they’ve answered you honestly.

This might ignite some of the following emotions:

{please note I am writing from the viewpoint of a woman catching a man, however it is just as relevant and likely vise versa. I know plenty of women who enjoy porn!}

OMG, am I not good enough?

Do I not please him enough sexually?

Pure, raging jealousy!

Sickened and pissed off.

Insecurity that he needs to watch porn (without me!)

Inadequacy. Do I not meet his needs?

I don’t look like a pornstar – is he not attracted to me anymore?

Meh, at least he’s not shagging other women…could be worse.

This feels like he is cheating on me!

Am I not sexy or sexual enough?

A client of mine recently explained to me that she was using her partner’s i pad when she came across some porn sites he had been watching. It was pretty stock standard porn: two girls, one guy, lots of tits and ass and head giving, but still, was a total surprise to her.

She was shocked, and offended.

1.Shocked because she didn’t expect it; having been in the relationship for a the better half of 5 years, she thought she knew everything about him.

2. Offended because all the girls in the porn clip were blonde, tanned with big fake boobs and she felt inadequate as she was virtually the polar opposite in appearance. Oh and she didn’t give him head like that, actually she rarely gave him head at all. So add in there some pressure on top…to be more active in the sack.

Since they had an open and honest relationship, she asked him about the porn she found and he admitted that he did, at times, watch a bit of porn. (Good on him for being honest about it – nothing to be ashamed of!)

She wasn’t quite sure where to go from there…and most women don’t. Stomp, rant and rave and get upset? Ignore it, sweep it under the rug and pretend like it never happened? Or, shock/horror…talk about it.

First of all…

Try not to make him feel guilty. Bollocking and guilt-tripping him will only make matters worse and is likely the way his mother would have reacted when she found him beating off in the bathroom as a boy. In my high school years sexual education was minimal and the ‘icky’ stuff was usually skimmed over.‘Sexuality’ was shrouded in shame and humiliation (besides, just save it for marriage!!) and there was certainly no chat about porn or masturbation. So by making your man feel guilty it would just be reinforcing this notion that sex or masturbation is naughty, frowned upon and shouldn’t be either talked about or acted on. My advice, try to be empathetic and rather than taking it to heart, try talking to him about it in a non-judgmental, understanding way and if you don’t like him watching porn, then have an open, honest and somewhat blunt convo about what you can both do to make the sex life more active (perhaps join in!), if that’s what’s needed.

Masturbation is normal and healthy. Generally speaking, men love to masturbate and will always masturbate, whether or not you put out or not. It’s a natural instinct. Men are also highly stimulated by erotic visual cues, unlike women who may just need a juicy image or event in their mind to masturbate to (ah hem, Ryan Gosling topless seducing me in the rain will do). Every man has different fantasies and hence watches different porn. According to Nancy Friday, author of Men in Love their fantasies are ingrained and stem back to their teenage years, childhood and even infancy. She also talks about how kinky fantasies depicted in pornography don’t always mean they want their girlfriend, wife or partner to actually act them out, it might just mean that’s what gets them off in that moment. We all need to experience an element of freedom in our relationships and its OK to keep some private things private. If you prefer to know everything, then why don’t you ask him what his fantasies are? Or just read Nancy’s book – trust me, it will open your eyes! In my view, acceptance is key. Unless of course the porn watching is obsessive, sickening or seriously affecting the relationship then you may need some third party – like me – to come and chat about things!

Don’t compare yourself. Most porn is completely unrealistic and over the top. Unfortunately it sets idealistic and impractical expectations of women, making it pretty damn hard for us to live up to their fantasies (we can’t all look like Carmen Electra and groan in pleasure with a giant co*k in our ass). Like my client mentioned, she couldn’t look further from the image of a typical tattooed Pornstar! Does that mean her boyfriend isn’t attracted to her? No way. Most men just need to see dick going into a pussy and a great cum shot to experience a climax (apologies if this is a massive generalization dudes – by all means gentlemen comment below and tell me if I am wrong). Elements such as face, hair, fingernails, thigh gap, bikini bridge or whatever don’t really factor into in too much. Sure some men might prefer different races or blonde vs brunette, old vs young (just watch the movie about porn addiction with Jospeh Gordon-Levitt Don Jon) however remember this…. Just because a guy watches porn, doesn’t mean he wants his girlfriend to look like or act like a porn star! C’mon – can he really take that women from the red-tube clip home to Mum and Dad???

Can’t fight them? Join them! Hey, what the hell!? If it doesn’t make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, why not watch some porn with your man. It might spark things up in the bedroom and get you more lubricated and turned on than usual! If you’ve been with your partner for a while, sometimes its nice to spice things up and try new things. I tried it once or twice with my first boyfriend who I was with for 3 years and it jazzed things up. Just saying…

Wake up call. Sexual activity (kissing, touching, cuddling, intercourse, oral etc) is an important part of every relationship and mustn’t be overlooked. Depending on how much porn he is watching, maybe it means your sex life needs a bit of attention. Perhaps it’s a wake up call to look at how things are going in the bedroom and if there are any things you can talk about to improve the intimacy – sexual or non sexual. Do you need more TLC to get you in the mood? Does he need you to wear something sexy to get him going? Shoes on or off? New positions? More oral sex? Relationships take effort. Sex lives take effort. Effort means acknowledgment, communication and action.

If you’re not in the mood why not let him watch porn? I have a girlfriend who prefers sex in the morning as she is so tired in the evenings and literally cannot be bothered. They have a very healthy and happy sex life however her boyfriend has a slightly higher sex drive than her and values her sleep, so she often lets him go into the spare bedroom and masturbate while watching porn while she gets her beauty sleep. Seems like a good arrangement to me. No one gets hurt, everybody wins. Just throwing it out there… Better than him going behind your back!

In my opinion, the less taboo topics in a relationship the better. Most red blooded men have either watched porn, watch it, or will watch it again. It’s how you deal with him/her watching porn that is important. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t necessarily welcome it if I were in a relationship (am I not enough for you comes to mind) however I wouldn’t want to restrict them either!

I think the question shouldn’t be should my boyfriend be watching porn as it’s inevitable, rather how much is too much? Porn addiction is a very real thing, and c’mon, the real thing is FAR better!!

Masturbation, porn, self pleasure etc. are all totally normal, healthy even, and the best way of dealing with moments like the above mentioned, is to communicate and discuss the elephant in the room, rather than ignore it.

Rosie xx