I will be the first to admit it.
I can’t deny that I have, at one point or another in my life, thrown my hands up in the air, pointed my finger towards my Mum or Dad and yelled ‘It’s all YOUR fault!’. Usually it’s in the heat of the moment after something has gone terribly pear-shaped in my life and I am searching for someone else to blame (anyone but ME of course!). Besides, it’s just so damn easy to blame others and not take responsibility isn’t it?
But the fact of the matter is, it gets us nowhere. Being the victim and blaming others is not empowering, it’s disempowering.
My parents divorced when I was 4 years old, and after all was said and done we moved from Melbourne up to a property near Dalby, a rural community town of about 12,000 in country Queensland. I never really remember living with my Dad in Melbourne and after the separation I only saw him about once or twice a year for the remainder of my childhood and adolescence. I would visit Dad for two weeks of the year and leaving him at the airport was the most painful experience of my life – I would sob the whole flight home. But it also worked both ways, leaving Mum at the airport was equally as painful, and when I was about 9 or 10 years old I suffered insomnia from the anxiety and stress of the situation. It was such a heart-wrenching experience. Soon enough, my Mother remarried, which didn’t work out as planned, creating an aftermath of moving houses, moving schools and moving cities over the space of about 10 years.This rocky period was tough; the constant uprooting and upheavals, the ups and downs, the financial struggles, the fights, family dramas, the uncertainties, the pain, the loneliness and the list goes on.
For years I would blame my Mother for the crap I went through.
I would blame my Dad for not being present enough in my life.
But then I had a moment of clarity…an epiphany.
That turbulent 10 or 15 year period of my life is what has made me who I am today. Look at me now! Look how far I have come. Look how happy I am. How successful I am in my own right. Look how strong I am.
If I hadn’t have gone through everything in my past, I would not be who I am and where I am today…and certainly nowhere near as strong and resilient as I am today! If I was given everything on a silver platter and had the ‘easy life’, I wouldn’t be able to write from the place I write from and share my experiences with YOU beautiful people.
Besides, I wasn’t homeless, I wasn’t starving, I wasn’t neglected. No, my upbringing wasn’t perfect…but whose was!? I haven’t turned out a drug-addicted, thieving hobo! I am a strong, intelligent, fit, independent, motivated, headstrong, healthy, sensual, beautiful, loving and caring person with so much to give.
What we tend to do is blame our parents for anything bad within us or anything unfortunate that happens or has happened in our life, and we often forget to praise them for the good stuff. Generally speaking our parents are our role models (at least in the early years of our life) and like any human being, everyone has strengths and weaknesses – no one is perfect, just look at Superman and his Kryptonight. Genetically we are a cocktail mixed with all different flavours from our parents, and what we must do is take the good and improve upon the bad, not make their life hell for their weaknesses that they may have passed onto us.
We are the master of our own destiny!
In James Redfield’s novel The Celestine Prophecy, he deals with a concept called ‘control dramas’, which are ways we have learned to get energy flowing in our direction. These control dramas then become programmed into our subconscious as patterns to be repeated over and over again because they work to get control of a situation, dominate it and pull power from others into you. Redfield examines how our childhood traumas block our ability to fully experience the mystical and spiritual. He talks about how all humans tend toward one of four control dramas: Intimidators, Interrogators, Aloof People and Poor-Me’s. We all fit into one category or another, with one control drama more dominant. The book explains how control dramas are instilled in us in reaction to the control dramas instilled in our parents by their parents, and Redfield says we must seek out why we act as we do, reintepret the experience from a more evolved and spiritual point of view and discover who we really are. Once this is accomplished, the control drama dissolves away and our real lives take off. The book also states that control dramas can also be created as a defense mechanism for any situation which removes energy from the child. Thus, the parents are not always the source of the control drama.
So in a nutshell, yes we do inherit ‘stuff’ from our parents, but there comes a point where you have to let go of the pain and just forgive. No one is perfect and our parents were just using the tools they were given from their own parents and life experiences.
I have lovingly accepted that my Mother did what she could with what she had. And I have lovingly accepted my Dad loved us from afar…even though he wasn’t present in daily life. I have nothing but love, warmth and respect in my heart for my parents. There is no point harbouring hatred and anger towards them. Besides, they are the sole reason I am here. My mother will always have one up on me…having squeezed out something the size of a watermelon from the size of a lemon!
It’s all perception – the way you look at a situation. Are you a glass half full or half empty person?
I encourage you today to have a big think about your parents and your relationship with them. Do you love them unconditionally? Do you forgive them for any pain you are harbouring in your own life? Do you treat them with respect? Where are you at with your parents right now? Is there unspoken words that need expressing? Is there something you want to tell them? If there is, don’t hold back – you only live once.
If you have had a particularly painful experience from your upbringing or your parents, I urge you to go and speak to someone about it and get it out and off your chest, since emotional baggage can cause physical baggage in the form of weight gain, cancer, diseases, pain, tension etc. So many people allow pain and suffering stemming from their life story and parents influence to infiltrate throughout their lives…but it doesn’t have to be this way, at least not anymore. If you lacked a loving upbringing or nurturing parents, just remember you can change the course of YOUR life and be different to your parents. But remember, don’t resent your parents…forgive them and love them with your heart, let it go and be the best person you can be taking on the lessons you have learnt with you along the journey.
‘Forgiveness is an essential element of letting go, a purification that clears away karma.
Forgiveness is the act of clearing old karma by severing of the karmic ties between yourself and others.
Forgiveness is the way we release ourselves from the bondage of painful memories and from further harming ourselves by our cultivation of the desire for revenge (getting even disguised as justice).’ ~ Rebecca Garcia