We all know that confidence is sexy; it’s alluring, appealing and attractive. When someone is confident they’re charismatic, comfortable in their own skin, and oozing radiance and spunk – it’s enviable!
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
However, confidence is also extremely easy to fake!
Confidence and self worth are often terms used interchangeably. Though what I have recognised is that there is a pretty big difference and one can be confident, but have little or no self worth.
I was faced with this realisation recently when a woman I respected pointed out that she could tell I had a lot of confidence but there were issues around my self worth that I had not admitted to or resolved.
It hit me like a tonne of bricks, and after much processing, mulling, meditation, tears and D&Ms with my family, I noticed that she was right (to my horror!) and there was stuff I was holding onto from my childhood and even up until my early 20s that I had not faced. I had been told the same thing before, but for some reason when this woman said it at this particular time on this particular day, in the specific tone, in those words, it actually hit me. Being the confident, proud Leo lion I am, I could hardly admit it to this woman, let alone myself.
This is where my healing started: admitting it to myself.
Throughout my meditation the next morning I realised there were events of rejection, abandonment as well as my own recklessness that were affecting my core self worth. There were stories I had created, or moreso latched onto, that I was repeating in my mind like a script and giving mean to. A negative, self-talk, sh*t script!
My own self-worth issues were around:
- Not having an ‘available’ father while growing up
- Being rejected from my group of friends in primary school
- Needing boyfriends as confirmation of my worth and to fill my ‘daddy issues’ void
- Using my sexuality as a means of fulfilling my needs for security, attention, confidence and meaning
What I was doing was gaining my self worth from external sources. What people thought of me, how much they liked me, how much I felt included, loved, special, cared for, popular, pretty, sexy etc. This is a path for destruction, because unless self worth comes from within you will never feel fully content and at peace.
Now ask yourself this:
Do you feel worthy? Are you clinging onto any previous negative events that you’re making future decisions from? Stories that you’re telling yourself? Bad patterns? Familiar neural pathways that you keep walking down? Excuses? Placing blame? Broken records?
Here’s the thing…
So often we are not honest with ourselves.
We’re in denial and simply skimming along the surface in life – not actually really feeling into who we are and how we feel.
We add so much meaning to negative events in our lives and repeat these same old stories as excuses! Melissa Ambrosini calls it her ‘mean girl’. And our mean girl creates excuses not to be amazing, confident, full of self worth, successful, rich, wealthy, abundant!
Why? Because we’re scared of how amazing we really can be! We don’t just fear failure, we fear success!
When this woman asked me if I could ‘make it’, I said ‘yeh of course!’.
Then she paused and said, ‘really’?
I was gobsmacked at the answer that came out of my mouth: ‘No’.
So…I had the confidence per se, but not the worthiness to actually believe that I CAN DO IT! I lacked the self-worth to back it up, and believe that I can actually make it; I can succeed. I can be brilliant and amazing and freaken awesome at what I do. I can be well-known, wealthy and abundant.
But more than anything that I DESERVE IT!
Confidence is soooo much more beautiful when it comes from a place of truth and self-worth.
How can we cultivate more self-worth sexiness!?
Forget confidence! Self worth is sexy.
Self worth is the lacey lingerie underneath the clothes; the heart underneath the skin; the chocolate sauce inside the pudding; the sun behind the clouds.
There is one way of building your self worth and it all starts with….
Accept what happened in the past, forgive, let go and move on. Besides, all that really matters is NOW.
2. Stop blaming other people for the way you are.
All it does it take your power away from you!
Quit blaming your parents, your upbringing, your schooling, your friends, your family, your skin, your weight, your clothes, your issues, your wealth etc.
You are not who you because of what happened to you, but because you CHOOSE TO BE.
Ha, I loved that!! That was my ahahhhh light-bulb, epiphany, penny-drop, oh-know-I-get-it moment!
3. Be the observer of your mind.
For me, I had to sit with it and simply meditate on my own SELF WORTH and observe what feelings, emotions & thoughts popped in. Then I was able to heal those wounds and let go of the petty and wasted energy issues (as mentioned above).
It’s so easy to manipulate our minds into thinking we are OK, we are stable, we are confident, we are this/that. But in digging deep into our core we can dredge up old BS stories that are not serving us and that are actually preventing us from being our best self, and then move on and be our best worthy self.
So what can we do different?
There are many things we can do to feel more self worth:
- Notice & observe your negative self chat and put to rest your ‘mean girl’ – start telling yourself the contradictions to this self chat.
- Bring in more nurturing, self-loving rituals into your daily life (baths, massage, walks, laughter, friends, animals, sunshine, water etc)
- Ask yourself before having sex (or one night stand) – does this serve me? Does this person serve my higher self?
- Write down a list of compliments you have been told before
- Start a gratitude journal (Kikki K sell them!)
- Body. Temple. You know what I mean. Food, exercise, kale, etc.
- Have a meditation binge on self worth and let go of your old stories that were acting as excuses for not being awesome
- Think of the qualities that you excel in? Think of what you got, not what you don’t got (yo!)
- Be your own bestie and your own mother /father. Would you say these things to your BFF or your mama/papa?
Remember, insecurity doesn’t stop you being successful, just like lack of self worth doesn’t stop you being confident, however when you have self worth and security in sense of self, it packs more of a punch. It’s more authentic. It comes from a place of love, not fear. It lands. It’s believable. It’s freaken powerful stuff.
The more we recognize our challenges with self-confidence and self-esteem, the more aware we become of improvements that can be made. This is when positive changes occur. ~Emily Roberts.