It all started from a young age. I was in grade six and obsessed with the grade three primary school teacher, Mr Andersen. Mid 20s, blonde hair, blue eyes, charming and sexy! My grade six teacher would often send me down to his class room to deliver books, note pads, something… anything, because he knew how much I fancied him (probably highly illegal these days). But the reality was…I could never get him; he was too old for me, far too ridiculously good looking, and above anything, extremely inappropriate! Actually, I started very, very young. I fell in love in Grade One to a boy who I was pretend-married-to in the school play, then I moved schools and fell in love with another boy – a popular joker boy who I would often hang out with at our Catholic Church groups (ooo very naughty) and family tennis matches.
Nothing ever ‘happened’, but I enjoyed the fantasy. In fact I remember having crushes (innocent and sexual) on people from day dot. In hindsight I figure, it’s in my blood; it’s in my nature, I couldn’t help it! I never spoke about it, and I didn’t know if other girls my age were having the same feelings and emotions…so it’s hard to tell if what was going on was considered ‘normal’, but then again what is ‘normal’ these days. The pattern continued into high-school when I would often escape the boarding house to run to my boyfriend’s house, kiss boys on the back of the bus, kiss girls on the back of the bus, and even into my tertiary college life at University, dating the boy in my assignment group to the cheeky barrister at the cafe I worked, to one of my best friend’s brother. And then even into my professional life where I dated my boss for over 12 months…
Ok, so I came to a realisation: I wanted what I couldn’t have. Well, not so much what I couldn’t have, but moreso what was naughty, wrong, inappropriate or mischievous. I admitted it to myself. I became aware of it, owned it, accepted it and worked through it. I realised that I enjoyed the challenge. I didn’t like normality, or given some chunk of meat on a silver platter. That bored me. I liked something a bit out of the ordinary, a bit risky. Not a ‘bad boy’ as such, it was more of the situational thing. Then I asked myself is this healthy? Yes and no. Positively in the sense that I learnt something about myself…that I won’t just say yes to any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along, and no because it wasn’t always going to end very pretty.
So I pondered, surely I am not the only woman on the planet who enjoyed something she couldn’t have!?
So why do we do it? Why do we want what we can’t have/shouldn’t have? Why, if there is a grade A, decent, nice guy knocking at your door, you send them away? Or why if you have a boyfriend or husband who is tendering to your every beck and call but you fantasise about the waiter/waitress at your favourite cafe instead? Is it just our mind playing tricks on us or is it our basic instinct human need to enjoy a challenge?
I’m sure if a cute little antelope walked up to a lion and said ‘eat me’ the lion would seriously scratch his head and not know what to do with himself. On the contrary, he would most probably eat the antelope in a heart beat but it sure as hell wouldn’t of been as enjoyable as if he had chased it down himself for 20 minutes! Guaranteed!
I remember introducing one of my boyfriends to my Dad and Stepmum and the first thing they said to me, once he was out of ear-shot, was: ‘Rosie, he’s not going to challenge you enough’. That stuck in my head, because I knew deep down it was true. The boyfriend sure as hell challenged me, but in a negative way. He constantly made me feel guilty about stuff, pressured me, controlled and tried to manipulate me, especially about ex-boyfriends.
And this is the point of my shpeeeel. I have come to the conclusion that there is a different between wanting something inappropriate and wrong that you can’t have or shouldn’t have, to wanting a healthy challenge. Whoever you are dating, married to, seeing or living with should challenge you…in a good way. I mean, not saying yes to everything you ask for, bringing another side to a story, having a civilised debate about a topic you both feel passionate about, making you think on your feet, surprising you, speaking openly about tough decisions or values, keeping you guessing, making you want to know more, getting you to work for some things (not all things)…
Do you know what I mean?
If you’re bored with your partner and they’re not challenging you, just saying yes to everything you do or say and not making you think outside the box in any way, shape or form, then how are you growing as an individual? A lot of people I know are ‘control freaks’ in the sense that they like to wear the pants in every situation, have people obey to their orders/beliefs and basically be in control of their life and the people in their life all the time. Well, here’s the truth! It’s all about the balance. You don’t want to be challenged all the time and you don’t want to have to challenge someone all the time. So let go of control and let the man take the wheel. And men, let the woman decide what they want to do sometimes. It all comes down to balance.
The thing is, we only get one chance at life. So why spend it being un-challenged, under-motivated and below our league/potential. So much of our life is spent with a significant other…so really consider who it is you wana spend that time with because we don’t get another chance.
Wait for the right one to come along…you will know if he/she is ‘the one’ (apparently).
I still don’t know, and I am in no rush to find out. What will be will be.
Something to think about…